My period of abstinence lasted 8 days. Once my mouth was about healed, I decided to make us a nice dinner and had a glass of wine or two while cooking. I've had a couple of beers on two occasions since. Each time I've been woken during the night by acid reflux, puking up small amounts of burning fluid. So much for my theory of leucopenia, I've probably just had heartburn.


Despite not selling things I bought on my last spree, I have treated myself to a new camera, I really shouldn't have. I'm ashamed to say I am also trying to write a novel... fuck, what a creep, it sounds such a cheesy idea. Hopefully it will be a three day wonder and I will stop being a luvvy and return to being an ordinary Joe.


I saw the doctor for my annual physical today, the only thing of note was my continued weight gain. Would I like to see a lifestyle adviser? No, but I asked if he could recommend a good baker and confectioner. We then focused on the positive aspects of my personality... my misanthropy, sloth, gluttony, severe irritability and general selfishness. He asked if I was happy to live like this for the rest of my life. I avoided the jazz hands, looking enthusiastic and shouting out that this was my life's ambition realised. Err... duh.. no... I replied sheepishly. He asked what I would like to do and so once again I explained all the dead ends I had met with the psychiatrist, occupational therapist, the mental health charities and the voluntary services when I had tried to get some simple manual work. I really fucking hate repeating all this crap, why don't they share records and if they do why don't they read the bloody things? I never know if it's true ignorance or if it's some sort of mental test. He asks me things like what medicines am I on while he focuses on his PC monitor, clicking the mouse, almost certainly looking at my prescription.


Anyway, the bottom line is he has increased my depakote from 2g to 2.5g due to my vast bulk, again reminding me I have put on several stones since I started it, so the dose has to be upped. As I left I almost expected to hear him roaring "So long, you immense fat freak, see ya, you giant mound of blubbering jelly, bye bye fatty, cheerio greedy pig, watch out folks.. fat man walking.... who ate all the pies? who ate all the pies? you fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies!"


Yup he really cheered me up. I jest of course, as far as doctors go, he's actually a good guy. A big arrogant shit. He doesn't beat around the bush, he calls a spade a shovel and that kind of directness prevents me from getting paranoid. I don't like any hesitance or sign of covertness in a doctor. Plus he likes me. You know when you know that someone has a soft spot for you, you just know. It's weird, but while I have generally been despised by authority figures throughout my life, the really horrible ones that nobody likes usually like me. Like the meanest teacher in school or the toughest manager at work. Somehow, some of these people often took a shine to me, whereas their "nice" colleagues were often kind to everyone but me. Dr Portillo is the big bad wolf of the surgery but is always a lamb with me. I'd better stop there, it's not like me to speak positively about doctors. It must be time for bed.

I'm back. I forgot to mention talking books. You can download these free on the internet, amazing!!!! That's what I used to listen to Notes From Underground. I think I got it from Librivox. I'm now listening to Greek Legends which I got from Simply Audio Books. The best thing about these is that I can edit them and download chapters into my MP3 player. This is great as I'm not sleeping as much now and my wife cannot sleep if I am up and about in the house. So instead of simply lying awake in bed with thoughts racing round my head, I can listen quietly to my MP3 player about Deucalion and the deluge. And instead of just listening to music I can also educate myself. It's a great way to get back into books as I can't really read at the moment. It's also a great way to spend a sleepless night. The only downside is when I fall asleep with it still on and the voice drones on and on in my dreams. I had a very vivid dream the other night when this American guy talked incessantly and I begged and pleaded with him to shut up.